Where and What

So I’ve been in Amsterdam now on law school exchange for over a month now.
I don’t know best how to organize my thoughts—there’s so much that I’ve seen and done and so much that I want to say. The feelings and frustrations I’ve experienced here have been so different from those I’ve encountered before in Canada, the States, Saudi, India. But I want to make this entry--this first entry--one that explores some themes that have been milling in my head since being here.

The first is that I am aware of how lucky I am to be young and to be here. I know that despite everything (and there have been bumps), I am having fun here. Trust though that I realize how restless I can be, and how unsatisfied I have been with living in Canada. I mean I knew I never loved it there. These thoughts haven’t necessarily been spurred by love for the life here in Amsterdam—life here has been great in many ways, but frustrating and difficult too. I'll get into that more in later entries.

I guess I’ve also been thinking about everywhere I’ve lived, the places that have stuck inside me, where the people I love are, where I want to be. Being here (and traveling as well) reminds me afresh how large the world is and how many different ways there are to live, grow, work, and love. Reminds me how unique and specific beauty is--to each landscape, with respect to the ways people look and dress. Reminds me of the magical way adaptation and adoption happens in each new culture and of how the places you’ve lived stay with you. I've been thinking lately how in each city, people aren’t so very different. People any and every place keep going—going about their way and their business. People live their day to days narrowly. For the simple reason that narrow is what happens when you build a life somewhere, when you work somewhere and when you have a family. I so want to live widely and generously. To me that means that I will never lose the feeling I get of excitement and discomfort and absolute newness. Nor the feeling I get after that stage, which is “I wasn’t always like this, wasn’t always here, didn’t know these things, and who I am is different now, here.” To always feel that is the ultimate, unreachable luxury for me. When I feel like that I open up to new experiences, ideas, friendships, and I am challenged. I don't know how successful I have been at that here. I could stray from my comfort zone more than I have.

Thirdly, I've been picturing sometimes how my life probably will be later on and it seems both 1) right and satisfying and 2) kind of devastating. Because right at this very moment (and this could change in 10 minutes) is to travel the world, be with friends yet also be independent, live in different places. And most of all, to always feel youthful. Impossible, right. But then, I think that there are other things I want (and I think maybe people everywhere ultimately want the same things) like love that lasts and lasts, people that will stay and fight with you, work that is fulfilling, time to breathe at night, money that buys you what you need and hopefully what you want. Whether that’s enough I suppose is up to each individual.

Fourthly, what it means to be yourself in love and uprooted. I met the other day a young couple through Alykhan, a beautiful young American couple. The dude works for Mckinsey and his girlfriend just kind of follows him around. I suppose she waitresses here. They’re in Amsterdam this week and Peru or some place the next. In Peru, she'll take Spanish classes. At the time I thought damn she has the life and I said so. Then later I thought 1) how beautiful to follow someone around the world; 2) how scary to be so dependent on someone, how would your relationship change, would feelings shift, respect dissolve? 3) What about the things she wants to do. All totally unanswerable. It made me feel lucky in other ways. When I was with W I didn't really think seriously about coming here. But I am here now. Guess what I’m trying to say is that I am glad I am young and free and here entirely of my own choice. Able to go where and do what when I want to go where or do what.