@#$% %$#@ %$#@

Damn you, Ibook, you rot in hell.

(If you're listening, Ibook, I didn't mean any of it. I love you. You have bewitched me, body and soul. I made breakfast, darling.)

Some people have bad luck with certain aspects of this freakshow we call life. Some, try as they may, can never manage to catch the bus on time. You've seen these poor suckers. They are invariably carrying at least two weighty objects, usually a heavy backpack, some unwieldy school assignment in the spirit of a posterboard or similar, or a full-on animal carrier with cat/dog/parrot yowling/barking/talking a blue streak. Groceries, luggage, three toddlers--it doesn't matter. The point is that the unencumbered person always makes it to the bus right on time whilst the encumbered person is left behind in the dust, panting and probably with his/her fly down besides. You've seen another type of person on the bus, too. It's February but they're tan. They have perfect hair. I don't mean to drag race into this, but let's face it: they're usually white. They're wearing some kind of trendy jacket flung over a casual yet fetching ensemble. They find a seat and they put on their untangled IPod earphones and pull out their magazine in one swift handle of backpack/purse. They stare out the window at the poor, bedraggled asian (let's face it: they're usually asian) youth dragging his giant Jansport backpack, posterboard, and parrot, his glasses sliding down his nose, running for dear life, possibly getting stuck in a revolving door, hand-railing, or similar. Of course he misses the bus. It's because he needs to get somewhere quick and it's because he has got 9 articles of various sized baggage with him. Even if he had gotten on the bus,he would have caused a commotion by dropping something. Later, it would have taken him 12 minutes to locate his Ipod in his backpack and another 4 minutes to untangle the earphones. Still later, he would probably drop his Ipod while the rest of the passengers do that obligatory gasp, indicating their concern for your electronic device.

For some, life is smooth-sailing. A trip to the grocery store means a trip to the grocery store. For others, it means going to the grocery store and then forgetting your credit card. Then going back home to get it. Then going back to the grocery store and picking up 2 Fruit by the Foot boxes because they are on sale. Then getting sent to the customer service people because a cashier didn't know they were on sale and waiting 30 minutes, all the while breathing through your mouth while an angry customer chews out an employee for the rancid meat she bought last week and, yes, brought in for an extended show-and-tell in which she slowly unveils said rancid meat and declares 4-5 times "It's off" before making damn stinkin' sure that everyone in the vicinity agrees with her that the meat is, indeed, "off". Then, when you finally get out of there, having a grocery bag break, and, yes, it is of course the one with eggs in it. Then, upon returning home, having realized you forgot your key, you wait while the super unlocks your door and deigns to bathe you in the obligatory you-are-a-moron gaze. When you get into the apartment, you suddenly remember the ten things you forgot to do and leave eight bags of groceries outside the door for two hours. This is similar to when you got back from a trip in the morning and, in your excitement of being home, left your suitcase outside the door until the evening, when you panicked and actually thought, for a good 11 minutes, that you had forgotten to bring it back from your trip.

There is a plethora of ways to divy up the types of people in this world, but let me try my hand at this:

There is the type of person who, at the cash register, reaches into her purse, into her wallet, and procures her credit card, sans muss, sans fuss.
Then, there is the type of person who, at the cash register, reaches into her purse, and, in the mad search for her wallet, accidentally pulls out the green, unmistakably "Always" emergency pad, drops it on the floor, and has to pick it up while on-lookers pretend to look sympathetic, all-the-while thinking about how said person is actually an incredible loser.

There is the type of person who borrows "One Hour Photo" from the library, watches it, and returns it.
Then, there is the type of person who borrows "One Hour Photo" from the library, watches it, somehow loses the case in her small, neat apartment, and is forced to renew "One Hour Photo" over and over until she can track down the case, which she may or may not have thrown away with the recycling.

There is the type of person who does a load of laundry.
Then, there is the type of person who does a load of laundry and accidentally drops their cell phone in the washing machine, realizes ten minutes into the cycle, and, upon retrieving cell phone, it (cell phone) is making death vibrations even though it is not turned on.

There's the type of person who, in London Heathrow airport, takes a nap between flights in the main waiting area where hundreds of people stream by.
Then, there's the type of person who, in London Heathrow airport, takes a nap between flights in the main waiting area where hundreds of people stream by and, in front of his/her three friends and countless strangers, ends up sleeping far too soundly, and rolls off the row of chairs she is sleeping on, crash-landing three feet in front of the chairs, getting back on the chairs, pretending of course, that she/he is still immersed in sleep whilst inwardly writhing over the hideousness of this occassion.

Speaking of airports, there is the type of person who uses his/her computer like a normal person for the normal amount of time (since I am always the second person, I don't know how long a time-frame normality would have someone using a computer, but I venture 3-5 years).
Then, there is the type of person who goes through 4 computers in less than 5 years.

And here we get to the nitty-gritty, the crux of the matter, the reason for this post. Let's take a look at my computer history:

1) Make: Dell. Color: Gray. Type: Desktop. Length of Time: Half a college semester. Reason for death: unknown, but probably having something to do with my downloading anything and everything from Kazaa as if tomorrow mayn't come.

2) Make: God knows. Assembled from piece-meal parts cheaply. Color: Gray. Type: Desktop. Length of time: the remainder of the first college year. Reason for death: unknown, but probably having something to do with the fact that I had learned nary a lesson from the first incident and continued downloading from Kazaa with the kind of unbridled enthusiasm with which a sailor on leave swears. Interesting fact #1: Computer would refuse to turn on 97% of the time, but the 3% of the time it did turn on, it did so randomly, without provocation, and invariably in the middle of the night. The screen would flash green and purple, waking both myself and my roommate. I would jump out of bed, enter "safety mode" and frantically use the computer for the 25-40 minutes before it spontaneously turned off again. Interesting fact #2: Computer broke down during my doing transfer applications and I somehow managed to transfer even though did not have a computer the whole time.

3) Make: Toshiba. Color: A glorious, sapphire blue. Why it was wonderful: because it was beautiful and I loved it and I felt like I was smoking a crack-pipe when I looked at it. How much I loved it: a lot. Length of time: a whopping two years. Reason for death: Goddammit for all I know it is still roaming the whore streets of Amsterdam. After leaving it on the plane (yes, I left it on the plane), I was chased after by an airline stewardess who said they had found my computer and were taking it to lost and found in Amsterdam airport. I went to lost and found, who told me to go to desk 37. I went to desk 37 and they told me to go to lost and found. Rinse and repeat. Eventually, lost and found closed for the day and they told me I could get my computer on the way home from Saudi. When I tried to get my computer on the way home from Saudi, it was "not in the system". $#%% #@$@ $%#!. Why it's f-ing embarrassing that I lost it: because my electronic diary was on there.

4) Make: Apple; Ibook. Color: A glossy white. Why it was my bebe: because I loved it more than the Toshiba because it was beautiful and so glossy. How much I loved it: so much I feel like even a crack-pipe example won't do it. Length of time: one year and 9 months. Reason for death: fell from desk onto carpet in such a way that formed a tent on the floor and when I ran to it, it would not turn on.

This happened today.

Things I could have done so that when I ran down to the Apple store in Eaton Centre, the daughter of a whore-son bitch would not have told me that my logic board was damaged and that I would get a new computer. ^%$# &%#$ #$@$:

1) Not have removed the computer from the side of my bed. My computer is usually there, since I enjoy watching an episode or two of the TV on DVD before going to bed. It is safe on the bed, since the last time I dropped the computer (and it died, but I had warranty) I dropped it from the bed and am now paranoid when it comes to beds and computers.

2) Not have had such a strong hankering to make snickerdoodles. I wanted to make snickerdoodles and did not have a recipe. I removed the computer from the bed to the desk because I needed to use the printer to print out the snickerdoodle recipe. We didn't really need snickerdoodles.

3) Not have cleaned the kitchen from top to bottom. Why need I have cleaned the ktichen at all? It wasn't that dirty.

4) Not have then cleaned the little hallway so thoroughly. The little hallway just gets dirty again because of people's shoes.

5) Not have, after having cleaned the kitchen and the hallway, decided to go all-out and vacuum while I was at it.

6) Not removed the big desk chair, since it was not around the big desk chair that needed vacuuming anyway.

7) Not have blindly pulled away the big desk chair so quickly so that the wire from the printer that was tangled in the arm was jerked and caused my ibook to fall to the floor.

You may be wondering how I am typing this. I have hijacked my roommate's computer.

%$#$ $#!@ #$#%.

I am going to bed.

Ryan Gosling is Beautiful--this blog is a work in progress.

That is all. And even though he was wearing skinny jeans that were not in the least bit flattering on the Ellen show whilst sporting facial hair (which few can pull off), he is still offensively hot. Anonymous, when are we going to see "Fracture"?

Some attractive people and not in any particular order:

1) Takeshi Kaneshiro--house of flying daggers. Can really pull off long ponytails. An example of the beauty that can result from a loving relationship between the chinese and japanese. A love-spawn of cultural compassion and an emblem of global understanding. hot.
2) Jake Gyllenhaal--the tips of the mouth kind of twitch and the soft-spokeness is just really hot.
3) Jonathan Togo--looks like jake gyllenhaal? Can't pinpoint attractiveness factor.
4) Taylor Hanson--there really aren't any words to describe a hotness of this magnitude. It feels wrong even to include this on the list, as hotness far surpasses that of anyone else. Is uncomfortable, is what it is.
5) Mark Ruffalo. Soft-spoken-ness
6) Jeff Goldblum. twitchy lips and that soft-spoken-ness.
7) Jon Stewert.
8) Topher Grace.
9) Channing Tatum. From such classic features as "Step Up" and "She's the Man". Bad actor but seriously hot.
10) Seth Meyers
11) Christian Bale in "Little Women".
12) Adrian Grenier
13) John Krasinski from The Office.

People who would maybe not necessarily be considered as attractive but in whom I see a little som-in' som-in':
1) John Goodman, the dad from Roseanne. What? He's manly, ok?
2) The dad from Home Alone. Not sure why.
3) Jim Bellushi, from that show on abc. same reason as john goodman.

These are things you can say to which no one will have a response

These are statements that will be sure to elicit an awkward pause, confusion, and, very possibly, offense.

1) This is to be said if someone is taking over the show, being a know-it-all, or sticking his/her grubby little paws where they don't belong. People get annoying when they're too into things (a project, social situation, etc.) and here's how to put a damper on the grotskiness that is over-earnest behavior:

Look at you, all in a tizzy. You're just right up in the thick of things, aren't you? (said contemptuously) Who do you think you are, Shia Labeouf? You make me sick.

2) This is to be said as a pep-talk of sorts, such as before a big game, a big presentation, or anything else that requires hard work and energy, such as running a coat check or man-rape:

Let's multi-fist this biatch such that every of its orafices shall contain a corresponding one of my appendages insofar as that the ratio of orafice to appendage shall remain 1:1.

3) This is to be said if someone is trying to be nice to you/voice concern for you and you will have none of it. The conversation will go a little something like this:

"Oh, man, you're barefoot. I hope you don't cut your feet!"
"I'll cut my feet, I'll cut them all over your face, you grotsky whore. Shia Labeouf!"