So I came across this letter that I wrote to my dad when I was 9? 10? Not totally sure because there's no date. I think it's really funny - SUCH a little brat. Oh, erm, Children's choir was this thing at our church in Ras Tanura (the smaller compound we lived in in Saudi before we moved to Dhahran) where we had to sing such songs as "Doubting Thomas" and that "Yes Lord I will come and follow you" song. We also had to wear really stupid looking blue and white robes. I hated it with a burning passion. I had to sing AND play the piano which I remember thinking was brutally unfair. It was also on during the one good show that came on all friggin week. Mr. Martin was a family friend, my teacher, and the head of Children's Choir. So naturally I was pushed into Children's Choir against my will and forced to play the piano because I was asian. But actually he was really the nicest man and is one of those great teachers you always remember.
Daddy,
I asked Mr. Martin today if I have to come to Children's Choir any more. He was very manipulative and said, "Sure, why not?" Well, I was shocked and offended when he didn't let me answer. I do not think it is fair that other people get a choice to what they want to do and I don't. Mr. M. thinks he can run my life just because he is my teacher for 2 measly subjects. I suggest that you either call that man up and give him a piece of your mind and or forbid me to go to C.C. And So I leave it up to you, as my father, was it right to manipulate a young vulnerable child, to brainwash her? I think not. It is up to you. Do you want to base your decisions on a loudmouth? An imposer? A manipulative man? NO! And so, I trust you to make this decision rightly, by picking my side of course so that I can watch Christy.
So my favourite part is that last line where I clearly went to all this trouble just so I could stay at home and watch Christy. Also that I clearly had just learned the word "manipulative." Needless to say, I remained in Children's Choir.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Let me dream all the time
"Let me be something every minute of every hour of my life. Let me be gay; let me be sad...Let me be ragged or well dressed. Let me be sincere-be deceitful. Let me be truthful; let me be a liar. Let me be honorable and let me sin. Only let me be something every blessed minute. And when I sleep, let me dream all the time so that not one little piece of living is ever lost." - Betty Smith, A Tree Grows in Brooklyn
Read a bit of "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" for probably the fifth time last week at Pei's and I've been wanting to read it again ever since, and I'm also wanting to read more of Middlesex than the like 20 pages I've managed. I also want to read Little Bee.
I'm supposed to be indexing for the bar, but instead i've been obsessing over my new apt. Painting and deciding on renovations. Except we might not put in the new kitchen cupboards now - it's not really my decision so I have to wait and see, BUT I have ideas for what to do even if we don't get new ones. We actually are only doing renovations because of the state the apt was left in after the last tenants - they clearly had food fights like every night for a year. Seriously - even after like three days of cleaning some stuff was still unusable. Anyways, thank-you old tenants for being so disgusting we are getting new things now. I guess. Either way i'm excited for my apt - it's not in the best location in terms of being near work, but I like the area and I'm used to it. We'll see how it goes during articling, I'll be there for at least a year which is pretty good after living like a vagabond for awhile (and my whole life).
It's funny now that we've painted I've been fixated on like tiny little details I can't get out of my mind that I've always wanted for a home. Now that I feel like the colours are mine, I want everything else to be too - so like I've been thinking about this beautiful light fixture we saw at RONA- kind of a mini chandelier, all sparkly - I think it's called a "glacier" chandelier. It's not over the top really, but very pretty. What else - socket covers (dunno what they're called) and doorknobs! I'm going to be looking for pretty ceramic ones with flowers and designs. Dining room chairs - we saw the nicest (and most reasonably priced) ones in Ikea that are the comfy, cushioned, fabric-covered ones. There was one design that was a suede tan and one that was tan and white stripes - I liked the latter best and so did my mom. I've been Trying hard to keep it not so girly but it's an uphill battle. The furniture I think will mostly be brown-black wood (the cheapest kind from IKEA) which is NOT girly at all.
I'm just so excited to have a kind of permanent place!
Anyways we've agreed not to do much more until after the bar exam cause all this stuff can take so much time. I'm gonna be sleeping on the floor until we get movers for the bed. I hate that we have to take it apart (it's IKEA of course) and reassemble, but s'ok. But my parents have been ammaazzinngg helping move and setting up and getting excited with me for the new place. Moving from Tanaz's place was today and not so bad. As per tradition we congratulate ourselves after every little thing we do and eat yummy food for a reward (Iranian today).
Listening to "Orange Sky" again and again and again... Oh and also Joe Purdy "The Pretender"- and enjoying being home and stalking my cat despite being super allergic.
Read a bit of "A Tree Grows in Brooklyn" for probably the fifth time last week at Pei's and I've been wanting to read it again ever since, and I'm also wanting to read more of Middlesex than the like 20 pages I've managed. I also want to read Little Bee.
I'm supposed to be indexing for the bar, but instead i've been obsessing over my new apt. Painting and deciding on renovations. Except we might not put in the new kitchen cupboards now - it's not really my decision so I have to wait and see, BUT I have ideas for what to do even if we don't get new ones. We actually are only doing renovations because of the state the apt was left in after the last tenants - they clearly had food fights like every night for a year. Seriously - even after like three days of cleaning some stuff was still unusable. Anyways, thank-you old tenants for being so disgusting we are getting new things now. I guess. Either way i'm excited for my apt - it's not in the best location in terms of being near work, but I like the area and I'm used to it. We'll see how it goes during articling, I'll be there for at least a year which is pretty good after living like a vagabond for awhile (and my whole life).
It's funny now that we've painted I've been fixated on like tiny little details I can't get out of my mind that I've always wanted for a home. Now that I feel like the colours are mine, I want everything else to be too - so like I've been thinking about this beautiful light fixture we saw at RONA- kind of a mini chandelier, all sparkly - I think it's called a "glacier" chandelier. It's not over the top really, but very pretty. What else - socket covers (dunno what they're called) and doorknobs! I'm going to be looking for pretty ceramic ones with flowers and designs. Dining room chairs - we saw the nicest (and most reasonably priced) ones in Ikea that are the comfy, cushioned, fabric-covered ones. There was one design that was a suede tan and one that was tan and white stripes - I liked the latter best and so did my mom. I've been Trying hard to keep it not so girly but it's an uphill battle. The furniture I think will mostly be brown-black wood (the cheapest kind from IKEA) which is NOT girly at all.
I'm just so excited to have a kind of permanent place!
Anyways we've agreed not to do much more until after the bar exam cause all this stuff can take so much time. I'm gonna be sleeping on the floor until we get movers for the bed. I hate that we have to take it apart (it's IKEA of course) and reassemble, but s'ok. But my parents have been ammaazzinngg helping move and setting up and getting excited with me for the new place. Moving from Tanaz's place was today and not so bad. As per tradition we congratulate ourselves after every little thing we do and eat yummy food for a reward (Iranian today).
Listening to "Orange Sky" again and again and again... Oh and also Joe Purdy "The Pretender"- and enjoying being home and stalking my cat despite being super allergic.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Drinking Life to the Lees - Ulysses by Tennyson
I feel so inspired by this poem right now (below) - and I'm well aware that I'm in pre-exam thoughtful.crazy.weird mode, where it's all really just procrastination.
And I'm listening to this. It's "All My Days" by Alexei Murdoch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_R5IQoIYvTM
Back to the poem - oh my, that part -
~~~~"Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."~~~~
- those last lines take my breath away and fill me with so much hope and awe. They speak directly to what Tennyson said this poem "gave," which was his feeling of "going forward and braving the struggle of life." To me it's also about looking back - no - actually, being present in a really beautiful past (battles on windy Troy, that gleaming untravelled world) in a spiritual and visceral sense. About reminisces (ah even that's not even strong enough because he is THERE in the past). And restlessness that continues even now, even as he is dying, to not only see but be a real part of the great wide world. And despair too that his life's journey is ending, but hope! in his son, in the notion that "some work of noble note may still be done," and that "'tis not too late to seek a newer world." In short there's a lot going on for me in this.
The part about carrying on in strength and the part "I am a part of all that I have met" make me remember those I've met who do soldier on (and I'm thinking of the Tibetan freedom fighters in particular), silent and humble and so graceful in their bravery. More graceful than I could ever be. Braver, stronger, more determined (tha-tha-tha-that don't kill me...) Fighting for a country and a whole people's identity and preservation. And Jaysylan from Chennai, as well as all the other kids. Because I still think about them often and where they are and I'll pray tonight that they do have the strength to keep going and studying hard and being good because I know they will need it. And because I don't know, can't fathom, how hard it must be for them to continue down the "right" path. I can't do justice to their struggles. But I can think on them. We are so apart but they are always in my thoughts (maybe because I have a picture of them on my desk haha).
And the part about the "strength which in the old days moved heaven and earth" - well Ulysses in his hubris/delirium is talking about himself and his mariners back when they knew youth I guess, but it triggered something else for me. And though it's a bit unrelated, it's Easter so I can talk about how this reminds of Jesus and his sacrifice. And of God's strength and love and how in His strength, He will ask us always, no matter what, to return to Him. Even now, even after what came before and no matter what may come, we can return. Harvey and his friend Joe and I went to Emily's church yesterday and though it was fun and irreverent at times (OK I have to relive this - HAHA during communion the pastor gave Harvey side-eye like he didn't belong there, when we ate the bread I was thinking in my head omg Harvey is going to say "this tastes like shit" and about two seconds after I thought that Harvey said "this tastes like shit," there was an interpretive dance i couldn't even WATCH man it was so funny, and we went to Congee Queen after YUM. HAHA and that confessions sticky notes thing - "I procrastinate", "I'm mean to people", "I killed a man", "I eat too much candy" - what the - back that truck up HAHA "Harvey don't even look at me right now. I WILL pee my pants."), the pastor preached a sermon about why the cross is so meaningful to Christians and why Jesus, the very personification of a strength that moved the heavens and the earth, died and had to die so cruelly for us. And how it means that God implicated himself in our salvation in the most personal and painful of ways to show us the great stake - the greatest stake - He has in our salvation and in our being faithful followers. To lay a personal claim, through the sacrifice, to our love, forgiveness, kindness towards each other. I thought that was really beautiful. The pastor made it accessible by likening it to a situation where you listen to other people's problems and try to help them in a real way (which we do all the time) and how at the end, you are implicated. You are invested, and you feel for the outcome. It brings God closer to think of Him that way. It also helps to think of His love as the love my parents have for us - the kind of love where every success is their success too and every failure something that they share and suffer through as though it happened to them.
The pastor also talked a lot about forgiveness. That made me feel so small, but I think I really needed to hear it. About moving forward in love, not looking back in anger (Oasis was onto something), and compassion. I think (no actually I KNOW) that I tend to see compassion and kindness and vulnerability as weaknesses in myself that need to be uh - not quenched per se, but curbed. Tailored. Used selectively. Because it hurts a lot to care (no matter what kind of care you're talking about - for friends or family or someone who is struggling) and sometimes it hurts so much it feels like it can't be the right thing. Not for survival's sake.
See, even in the past paragraph I've talked about myself so much - yet the pastor was talking about thinking of others first, putting how they feel before how we feel. The first thing I thought was man, what a way to get yourself absolutely friggin MASSACRED. The first thing I thought about was myself! And then I thought well what if the other people are shitty or not shitty but not deserving of such selflessness or thoughtfulness. All I can come up with right now is 1) stop thinking about yourself so much but also 2) learn to CONTINUE care and be compassionate in a real and helpful way ANYWAY.
I think that this also goes back to the poem - Ulysses says he has and will continue to drink life to the lees, says that he has suffered and enjoyed with those who have loved him and alone. It's about not holding back, and really LIVING. And if you're not thinking about yourself all the time, then maybe you won't get massacred. And it doesn't matter who you think is deserving or not - we all are. And here, for me, I will have to remember that everyone has a backstory. And I will have to remember and use my theory of mind skillz (thank you Emilie for teaching me about this by having to listen to your Master's thesis haha) to remember the very simple thing, the thing that I forget on a daily basis, that my perceptions and thought processes and motivations are different from those of the people in my life. Everyone's insecurities and desires and needs are distinct. Everyone has his own way of thinking and seeing the world.
I try so hard to understand people and how they deal with situashes but sometimes I just can't. And we can't let that frustrate, but just keep on being ourselves and trying to be good, though we may not want to be good and though it's hard. And understand things in our own ways and bring that to the table in my friendships because hopefully it's all valuable in some way. Sometimes in my friendships/family-ships I feel so close to shutting down because I. just. can't. understand. Or I feel like I'm always reaching out. Or I feel like I am being reached out to and it's so difficult to reciprocate and express. This is where I can soldier on in my own life and be strong. This is all in theory. Sometimes you just need to shut down. And that might be the best thing to do. And I don't actually know what I'm talking about.
Ah, one more thing. We all can have too much hubris and arrogance - I know I do sometimes. And the pastor said that it is when we try to BE GOD that we push Him away and it is when we act like God's love, through God, that we are closest to him and closest to realizing our faith. So it might seem otherwise but I'm not religious at all, this sermon just inspired me. I thought about CONTROL here and how I have tried SO HARD in the past to control all these situations in my life. And I will likely continue to try to control a whole slew of things I cannot and I realistically know I cannot but I'll do it anyway. We all want to control everything. As soon as we can't, at least for me, I feel powerless and fearful. Man, I feel like it's the exercise of the ultimate strength to let go when we must and this ridiculously unattainable wisdom to know when we have to let go. It's the Serenity Prayer really: "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference." This might be my biggest flaw.
I feel like I now need to talk about what I'm thankful for. I don't know why - it is Easter not Thanksgiving. And all this was brought on by this poem. But I'm grateful:
1) For my friends and my family.
2) Honestly I've so grateful for modern day communication that lets me keep in touch with my Saudi friends, with my Harvard friends, with my Hotchkiss friends and, my Amsterdam-exchange friends, and, yes, my LSAT friend (singular). I just watched this TED (which I LOVE btw) talk on how the internet brings us closer together and I hearted it because I so firmly believe that too.
3) I feel not stressed out these days even though it's near finals (well, it's on and off, but it's nothing like 1L/2L) and I'm pretty grateful for that although I'm also kind of terrified about failing because of the lack of THE FEAR. Ok though there is an argument that this crazy feelingsy blogpost is solely brought on by exams, as per the pattern. It's true. For some reason the fight or flight makes me want to sit down and write about this poem which turned into some kind of uncomfortable sermon/gawd help us. That is pretty anti-evolutionary if you ask me.
4) Yesterday I was thinking that I have made real friends in Toronto and I remember how I really thought that would never happen. We had a party recently for Tanazy's bday and SO MANY people came and it was SO much fun and we danced all night.
5) Oh and yes, I'm grateful for music which gets me through every day (I'm obsessed with Hey Daddy by Ursher right now and the new BEP: "Imma be rockin like this" - SUCH a good beat. And for mellow, Alexei Murdoch, "All My Days").
6) I'm grateful for whatever voice is inside me that helps me move on from one thing to the next, from one chapter to the next. Without that I would be stuck. stuck. stuck.
7) I'm grateful that I have people in my life who tell me when I am being irrational or selfish or mean or inappropriate. Keep me in check guys.
8) I'm grateful that my roots are here now - my parents and Tanazy who is my family too.
9) I'm grateful that I'M ALIVE because I had a fire in my room earlier this semester which was honestly quite terrifying and entirely due to my own carelessness and stupidity. And a really yummy smelling candle. I'm also grateful that I'm not horrendously scarred although it WOULD be easier to take the Phantom's role in "All I Ask of You" with the facial scarring. THE FIRE STARTED AT MY PILLOW! On a second note I need to either get my computer fixed or stop taking it so personally and getting offended when people comment on the damage.
10) I'm grateful that my sister got into such good med schools because she's the smartest, most rational and also the strongest person I know. Also that SHE's alive because someone broke into her apartment recently :( It was scary.
11) Now this sounds so stupid and frivolous but maybe one of the best things about this semester has been ZUMBA which is this dance-exercise class. I go twice on Mondays because that's the only day i can go. Oh what can I even say about ZUMBA - anybody who knows me knows I'm just obsessed with it now. My friends and I do it and it makes me feel SO ALIVE. It is so. much. fun. I just love dancing to the hip hop songs especially. And body rollin and pumping and booty shaking makes me feel so good :). Like a Wo-Man. Haha. I literally look forward to Mondays now. That's HUGE. ZUMBA IS life piled on life.
12) I'm grateful that I've started to SLEEP again too. I was not sleeping earlier because I was stressed out but I'm getting better and better. Btw, I am NOT grateful that I feel like I'm getting old! I see under-eye circles :(.
13) This is something else I'm really truly grateful for. And that is the MOOT Emily and I did this year. Actually, not only the moot, but also the minimoot I did in Media and Defamation and the presentation I did in Legal Archaeology. Cause anyone who knows me also knows that I loathe public speaking and I get real nervous. Not so much for the Legal Archaeology but for the others. And that's one thing that influences how I think about litigation, because I DO really like litigation, but the public speaking thing...and so the fact that I was able to do the Moot and feel good about it and even insist on a rebuttal! makes me so HAPPY. I feel a great rush after speaking....I'm happy to know I can do it and that it makes me feel so good.
14) I'm looking SO MUCH FORWARD to this summer, when I might go see exchange friends and DEFINITELY will see Becky, Chris, Kari, Tim, maybe Ryan in DC, where I will see Sarah, Ticcy, Tanaz of course, Carol, Ruba, and any of the other Aramco Brats in Houston, and Cathy and maybe Elena in California! I still must plan a trip to NY to see Sumes and Amy and Dickyi of course and everyone else in NY. I'm hoping this summer will be magical (post bar of course) like all the other summers I've been lucky enough to have and it will be hot and I will always be sweaty and I will be sun-kissed and come back to start articling totally refreshed. It's starting to get warmer now!
Ok It really is time to go now - I have to either sleep or continue working on this paper on privacy (ironic after I've posted such personal things, but I think that they're things we can all think about). Yay, I posted again! And *pats self on back* I feel like I have finally kept in line with what this blog is supposed to be which is *attempts at honesty*. *Pat, pat*. OK going to bed.
ULYSSES
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades [1]
Vext the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments, [2]
Myself not least, but honour'd of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end, [3]
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge, like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
This is my son, mine own Telemachus, [4]
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle--
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port: the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd and wrought, and thought with me--
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads--you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, [5]
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
~ Tennyson ~
And I'm listening to this. It's "All My Days" by Alexei Murdoch:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_R5IQoIYvTM
Back to the poem - oh my, that part -
~~~~"Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield."~~~~
- those last lines take my breath away and fill me with so much hope and awe. They speak directly to what Tennyson said this poem "gave," which was his feeling of "going forward and braving the struggle of life." To me it's also about looking back - no - actually, being present in a really beautiful past (battles on windy Troy, that gleaming untravelled world) in a spiritual and visceral sense. About reminisces (ah even that's not even strong enough because he is THERE in the past). And restlessness that continues even now, even as he is dying, to not only see but be a real part of the great wide world. And despair too that his life's journey is ending, but hope! in his son, in the notion that "some work of noble note may still be done," and that "'tis not too late to seek a newer world." In short there's a lot going on for me in this.
The part about carrying on in strength and the part "I am a part of all that I have met" make me remember those I've met who do soldier on (and I'm thinking of the Tibetan freedom fighters in particular), silent and humble and so graceful in their bravery. More graceful than I could ever be. Braver, stronger, more determined (tha-tha-tha-that don't kill me...) Fighting for a country and a whole people's identity and preservation. And Jaysylan from Chennai, as well as all the other kids. Because I still think about them often and where they are and I'll pray tonight that they do have the strength to keep going and studying hard and being good because I know they will need it. And because I don't know, can't fathom, how hard it must be for them to continue down the "right" path. I can't do justice to their struggles. But I can think on them. We are so apart but they are always in my thoughts (maybe because I have a picture of them on my desk haha).
And the part about the "strength which in the old days moved heaven and earth" - well Ulysses in his hubris/delirium is talking about himself and his mariners back when they knew youth I guess, but it triggered something else for me. And though it's a bit unrelated, it's Easter so I can talk about how this reminds of Jesus and his sacrifice. And of God's strength and love and how in His strength, He will ask us always, no matter what, to return to Him. Even now, even after what came before and no matter what may come, we can return. Harvey and his friend Joe and I went to Emily's church yesterday and though it was fun and irreverent at times (OK I have to relive this - HAHA during communion the pastor gave Harvey side-eye like he didn't belong there, when we ate the bread I was thinking in my head omg Harvey is going to say "this tastes like shit" and about two seconds after I thought that Harvey said "this tastes like shit," there was an interpretive dance i couldn't even WATCH man it was so funny, and we went to Congee Queen after YUM. HAHA and that confessions sticky notes thing - "I procrastinate", "I'm mean to people", "I killed a man", "I eat too much candy" - what the - back that truck up HAHA "Harvey don't even look at me right now. I WILL pee my pants."), the pastor preached a sermon about why the cross is so meaningful to Christians and why Jesus, the very personification of a strength that moved the heavens and the earth, died and had to die so cruelly for us. And how it means that God implicated himself in our salvation in the most personal and painful of ways to show us the great stake - the greatest stake - He has in our salvation and in our being faithful followers. To lay a personal claim, through the sacrifice, to our love, forgiveness, kindness towards each other. I thought that was really beautiful. The pastor made it accessible by likening it to a situation where you listen to other people's problems and try to help them in a real way (which we do all the time) and how at the end, you are implicated. You are invested, and you feel for the outcome. It brings God closer to think of Him that way. It also helps to think of His love as the love my parents have for us - the kind of love where every success is their success too and every failure something that they share and suffer through as though it happened to them.
The pastor also talked a lot about forgiveness. That made me feel so small, but I think I really needed to hear it. About moving forward in love, not looking back in anger (Oasis was onto something), and compassion. I think (no actually I KNOW) that I tend to see compassion and kindness and vulnerability as weaknesses in myself that need to be uh - not quenched per se, but curbed. Tailored. Used selectively. Because it hurts a lot to care (no matter what kind of care you're talking about - for friends or family or someone who is struggling) and sometimes it hurts so much it feels like it can't be the right thing. Not for survival's sake.
See, even in the past paragraph I've talked about myself so much - yet the pastor was talking about thinking of others first, putting how they feel before how we feel. The first thing I thought was man, what a way to get yourself absolutely friggin MASSACRED. The first thing I thought about was myself! And then I thought well what if the other people are shitty or not shitty but not deserving of such selflessness or thoughtfulness. All I can come up with right now is 1) stop thinking about yourself so much but also 2) learn to CONTINUE care and be compassionate in a real and helpful way ANYWAY.
I think that this also goes back to the poem - Ulysses says he has and will continue to drink life to the lees, says that he has suffered and enjoyed with those who have loved him and alone. It's about not holding back, and really LIVING. And if you're not thinking about yourself all the time, then maybe you won't get massacred. And it doesn't matter who you think is deserving or not - we all are. And here, for me, I will have to remember that everyone has a backstory. And I will have to remember and use my theory of mind skillz (thank you Emilie for teaching me about this by having to listen to your Master's thesis haha) to remember the very simple thing, the thing that I forget on a daily basis, that my perceptions and thought processes and motivations are different from those of the people in my life. Everyone's insecurities and desires and needs are distinct. Everyone has his own way of thinking and seeing the world.
I try so hard to understand people and how they deal with situashes but sometimes I just can't. And we can't let that frustrate, but just keep on being ourselves and trying to be good, though we may not want to be good and though it's hard. And understand things in our own ways and bring that to the table in my friendships because hopefully it's all valuable in some way. Sometimes in my friendships/family-ships I feel so close to shutting down because I. just. can't. understand. Or I feel like I'm always reaching out. Or I feel like I am being reached out to and it's so difficult to reciprocate and express. This is where I can soldier on in my own life and be strong. This is all in theory. Sometimes you just need to shut down. And that might be the best thing to do. And I don't actually know what I'm talking about.
Ah, one more thing. We all can have too much hubris and arrogance - I know I do sometimes. And the pastor said that it is when we try to BE GOD that we push Him away and it is when we act like God's love, through God, that we are closest to him and closest to realizing our faith. So it might seem otherwise but I'm not religious at all, this sermon just inspired me. I thought about CONTROL here and how I have tried SO HARD in the past to control all these situations in my life. And I will likely continue to try to control a whole slew of things I cannot and I realistically know I cannot but I'll do it anyway. We all want to control everything. As soon as we can't, at least for me, I feel powerless and fearful. Man, I feel like it's the exercise of the ultimate strength to let go when we must and this ridiculously unattainable wisdom to know when we have to let go. It's the Serenity Prayer really: "God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the Courage to change the things I can; and the Wisdom to know the difference." This might be my biggest flaw.
I feel like I now need to talk about what I'm thankful for. I don't know why - it is Easter not Thanksgiving. And all this was brought on by this poem. But I'm grateful:
1) For my friends and my family.
2) Honestly I've so grateful for modern day communication that lets me keep in touch with my Saudi friends, with my Harvard friends, with my Hotchkiss friends and, my Amsterdam-exchange friends, and, yes, my LSAT friend (singular). I just watched this TED (which I LOVE btw) talk on how the internet brings us closer together and I hearted it because I so firmly believe that too.
3) I feel not stressed out these days even though it's near finals (well, it's on and off, but it's nothing like 1L/2L) and I'm pretty grateful for that although I'm also kind of terrified about failing because of the lack of THE FEAR. Ok though there is an argument that this crazy feelingsy blogpost is solely brought on by exams, as per the pattern. It's true. For some reason the fight or flight makes me want to sit down and write about this poem which turned into some kind of uncomfortable sermon/gawd help us. That is pretty anti-evolutionary if you ask me.
4) Yesterday I was thinking that I have made real friends in Toronto and I remember how I really thought that would never happen. We had a party recently for Tanazy's bday and SO MANY people came and it was SO much fun and we danced all night.
5) Oh and yes, I'm grateful for music which gets me through every day (I'm obsessed with Hey Daddy by Ursher right now and the new BEP: "Imma be rockin like this" - SUCH a good beat. And for mellow, Alexei Murdoch, "All My Days").
6) I'm grateful for whatever voice is inside me that helps me move on from one thing to the next, from one chapter to the next. Without that I would be stuck. stuck. stuck.
7) I'm grateful that I have people in my life who tell me when I am being irrational or selfish or mean or inappropriate. Keep me in check guys.
8) I'm grateful that my roots are here now - my parents and Tanazy who is my family too.
9) I'm grateful that I'M ALIVE because I had a fire in my room earlier this semester which was honestly quite terrifying and entirely due to my own carelessness and stupidity. And a really yummy smelling candle. I'm also grateful that I'm not horrendously scarred although it WOULD be easier to take the Phantom's role in "All I Ask of You" with the facial scarring. THE FIRE STARTED AT MY PILLOW! On a second note I need to either get my computer fixed or stop taking it so personally and getting offended when people comment on the damage.
10) I'm grateful that my sister got into such good med schools because she's the smartest, most rational and also the strongest person I know. Also that SHE's alive because someone broke into her apartment recently :( It was scary.
11) Now this sounds so stupid and frivolous but maybe one of the best things about this semester has been ZUMBA which is this dance-exercise class. I go twice on Mondays because that's the only day i can go. Oh what can I even say about ZUMBA - anybody who knows me knows I'm just obsessed with it now. My friends and I do it and it makes me feel SO ALIVE. It is so. much. fun. I just love dancing to the hip hop songs especially. And body rollin and pumping and booty shaking makes me feel so good :). Like a Wo-Man. Haha. I literally look forward to Mondays now. That's HUGE. ZUMBA IS life piled on life.
12) I'm grateful that I've started to SLEEP again too. I was not sleeping earlier because I was stressed out but I'm getting better and better. Btw, I am NOT grateful that I feel like I'm getting old! I see under-eye circles :(.
13) This is something else I'm really truly grateful for. And that is the MOOT Emily and I did this year. Actually, not only the moot, but also the minimoot I did in Media and Defamation and the presentation I did in Legal Archaeology. Cause anyone who knows me also knows that I loathe public speaking and I get real nervous. Not so much for the Legal Archaeology but for the others. And that's one thing that influences how I think about litigation, because I DO really like litigation, but the public speaking thing...and so the fact that I was able to do the Moot and feel good about it and even insist on a rebuttal! makes me so HAPPY. I feel a great rush after speaking....I'm happy to know I can do it and that it makes me feel so good.
14) I'm looking SO MUCH FORWARD to this summer, when I might go see exchange friends and DEFINITELY will see Becky, Chris, Kari, Tim, maybe Ryan in DC, where I will see Sarah, Ticcy, Tanaz of course, Carol, Ruba, and any of the other Aramco Brats in Houston, and Cathy and maybe Elena in California! I still must plan a trip to NY to see Sumes and Amy and Dickyi of course and everyone else in NY. I'm hoping this summer will be magical (post bar of course) like all the other summers I've been lucky enough to have and it will be hot and I will always be sweaty and I will be sun-kissed and come back to start articling totally refreshed. It's starting to get warmer now!
Ok It really is time to go now - I have to either sleep or continue working on this paper on privacy (ironic after I've posted such personal things, but I think that they're things we can all think about). Yay, I posted again! And *pats self on back* I feel like I have finally kept in line with what this blog is supposed to be which is *attempts at honesty*. *Pat, pat*. OK going to bed.
ULYSSES
It little profits that an idle king,
By this still hearth, among these barren crags,
Match'd with an aged wife, I mete and dole
Unequal laws unto a savage race,
That hoard, and sleep, and feed, and know not me.
I cannot rest from travel: I will drink
Life to the lees: all times I have enjoy'd
Greatly, have suffer'd greatly, both with those
That loved me, and alone; on shore, and when
Thro' scudding drifts the rainy Hyades [1]
Vext the dim sea: I am become a name;
For always roaming with a hungry heart
Much have I seen and known; cities of men
And manners, climates, councils, governments, [2]
Myself not least, but honour'd of them all;
And drunk delight of battle with my peers,
Far on the ringing plains of windy Troy.
I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world, whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.
How dull it is to pause, to make an end, [3]
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life. Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains: but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge, like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.
This is my son, mine own Telemachus, [4]
To whom I leave the sceptre and the isle--
Well-loved of me, discerning to fulfil
This labour, by slow prudence to make mild
A rugged people, and thro' soft degrees
Subdue them to the useful and the good.
Most blameless is he, centred in the sphere
Of common duties, decent not to fail
In offices of tenderness, and pay
Meet adoration to my household gods,
When I am gone. He works his work, I mine.
There lies the port: the vessel puffs her sail:
There gloom the dark broad seas. My mariners,
Souls that have toil'd and wrought, and thought with me--
That ever with a frolic welcome took
The thunder and the sunshine, and opposed
Free hearts, free foreheads--you and I are old;
Old age hath yet his honour and his toil;
Death closes all; but something ere the end,
Some work of noble note, may yet be done,
Not unbecoming men that strove with Gods.
The lights begin to twinkle from the rocks:
The long day wanes: the slow moon climbs: the deep
Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends,
'Tis not too late to seek a newer world.
Push off, and sitting well in order smite
The sounding furrows; for my purpose holds
To sail beyond the sunset, and the baths
Of all the western stars, until I die.
It may be that the gulfs will wash us down:
It may be we shall touch the Happy Isles, [5]
And see the great Achilles, whom we knew.
Tho' much is taken, much abides; and tho'
We are not now that strength which in old days
Moved earth and heaven; that which we are, we are;
One equal temper of heroic hearts,
Made weak by time and fate, but strong in will
To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.
~ Tennyson ~
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Coming soon: A photoessay of the life and style of Rebecca J. Hammer, Harvard College, '06, HLS '09
Rebecca J. Hammer ("Becky"), who graduated from Harvard of law schools (no, really) and the Harvard of undergraduate schools (yeah, I know) is now officially an NRDC blogger.
She is also block-mate, wonderful person, and pocket extraordinaire. She enjoys saving the environment, her new dog Walter, Chambord, and inappropriate dance parties. Check out her post about water resources as they relate to the climate problem at this link, which you must copy and paste into your web browser as I cannot figure out how to create a link. (If anyone knows how to do this please tell me).
http://switchboard.nrdc.org/blogs/rhammer/climate_change_is_about_water.html
Stay tuned for the life and style of Becky as she grows from a wee urchin to a passionate woman, saving the world one blog post at a time. But first I have exams.
She is also block-mate, wonderful person, and pocket extraordinaire. She enjoys saving the environment, her new dog Walter, Chambord, and inappropriate dance parties. Check out her post about water resources as they relate to the climate problem at this link, which you must copy and paste into your web browser as I cannot figure out how to create a link. (If anyone knows how to do this please tell me).
http://switchboard.nrdc.org/blogs/rhammer/climate_change_is_about_water.html
Stay tuned for the life and style of Becky as she grows from a wee urchin to a passionate woman, saving the world one blog post at a time. But first I have exams.
Amsterdam--the first few weeks in photos
Here is a photo diary of things that have happened since I've been in Amsterdam--this way I get to feed my new addiction of uploading pictures AND I don't have to write about them! Enjoy!
1) Melissa and I arrive with shittons of stuff in front of random De Key office and have to wait two hours outside in the rain with the shittons.
2) ISN introduction happens and I don't sleep for a week
3) Trip to Brussels and Bruges with Melissa, Steve, Jake, Dave, Olivia, Rushmila, Elon, and Jenn
2) Emily, Rosita, Raquel, Caroline, and Melissa visit and we go on a wonderful countryside bike tour and then out for a wonderful birthday dinner
4) I get to go on a boat ride thanks to my friend John from NYU!
5) Alykhan visits (he is working at the Hague) and visits again.
6) So I also visited Alykhan at the Hague--I went for the weekend so I didn't get to go inside the Peace Palace, where he works, but I DID see the inside of his amazing house. I pretty much did not leave, nor did I want to leave, the whole weekend. The night we were supposed to go out I changed into my pajamas and sat on the couch watching TV under a blanket to avoid going out. We went out anyway. It was the first time I've been in a real house since I've been here and I loved it. The day after I was a shut-in we did a compulsory bike tour around the Hague (saw the outside of the PP at least), ran some errands for Aly, and then we went to Zara. Alykhan knows me well (A: Where do you want to go?...Zara?...Do you want to go in? Me: I'd be OK with that *already locking up the bike*). I kind of love the Hague. Anyways, here are some pictures of his gorgeous living accommodation, courtesy of Allison Muth:
1) Melissa and I arrive with shittons of stuff in front of random De Key office and have to wait two hours outside in the rain with the shittons.
2) ISN introduction happens and I don't sleep for a week
3) Trip to Brussels and Bruges with Melissa, Steve, Jake, Dave, Olivia, Rushmila, Elon, and Jenn
2) Emily, Rosita, Raquel, Caroline, and Melissa visit and we go on a wonderful countryside bike tour and then out for a wonderful birthday dinner
4) I get to go on a boat ride thanks to my friend John from NYU!
5) Alykhan visits (he is working at the Hague) and visits again.
6) So I also visited Alykhan at the Hague--I went for the weekend so I didn't get to go inside the Peace Palace, where he works, but I DID see the inside of his amazing house. I pretty much did not leave, nor did I want to leave, the whole weekend. The night we were supposed to go out I changed into my pajamas and sat on the couch watching TV under a blanket to avoid going out. We went out anyway. It was the first time I've been in a real house since I've been here and I loved it. The day after I was a shut-in we did a compulsory bike tour around the Hague (saw the outside of the PP at least), ran some errands for Aly, and then we went to Zara. Alykhan knows me well (A: Where do you want to go?...Zara?...Do you want to go in? Me: I'd be OK with that *already locking up the bike*). I kind of love the Hague. Anyways, here are some pictures of his gorgeous living accommodation, courtesy of Allison Muth:
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Light Poetry
I went running today at dusk and it was the most beautiful light I've seen yet in Amsterdam--looked like fire. Look:
It made me think of:
i go to this window
i go to this window
just as day dissolves
when it is twilight(and
looking up in fear
i see the new moon
thinner than a hair)
making me feel
how myself has been coarse and dull
compared with you, silently who are
and cling
to my mind always
But now she sharpens and becomes crisper
until i smile with knowing
-and all about
herself
the sprouting largest final air
plunges
inward with hurled
downward thousands of enormous dreams
ee cummings
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